Humpty Dumpty scored me a part in a school play

On an acting scale of 1 to Oscar winner, I'd probably rate a solid -3. But that didn't stop me from taking part in a few school productions in my day. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I have Astro from The Jetsons in my repertoire. And I played a singing rat in Year 7, so it's almost like I could be Meryl Streep if she only took on animal roles. Admittedly though, the main reason I got my drama on at school was because it was compulsory to do an extra-curricular activity (and me + sports = disaster). So that's how, in Year 12, I found myself crammed into a classroom to audition for a part in 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'.

Aside from being horribly nervous about speaking in front of students who had come to watch the auditions, I also had the small problem of not having an audition piece prepared. So everything was going super well. In my defence, deciding to audition was a very last minute thing so I made sure everyone went before me while I strained my brain trying to think of something to enact. 

Unfortunately my brain was on holiday.

My panic grew as student after student performed monologues, or scenes from their favourite films, some serious some very funny, but all well-practiced. By that point in time my already limited options had been whittled down to 'The Fresh Prince of Bel Air rap' or 'run screaming from the room'. But as the teacher called out my name, my brain decided to arrive back from Hawaii (or wherever brains like to vacay) and deliver me this message:

BRAIN: Psst. Here's a thought. Why don't you do a dramatic reading of Humpty Dumpty.

ME: Because that's a horrible idea?

BRAIN: You're a horrible idea. Just do it.

ME: OK fine. Also, why are we speaking as though we're different entities?

BRAIN: Shh, don't question it...

So, mustering all the confidence I could manage, I took my place at the front and introduced my audition to everyone, all the while internally freaking out about my imminent nursery rhyme improv. For those of you who weren't there to witness the magnificence on the day (lucky you), it went a little something like this:

"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall"

(points zealously to an imaginary wall)

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall"

(*GASP* hands to face a la Home Alone)

"All the king's horses"

(Gallops around)

"And all the king's men"

(Flexes arm like a muscle man - I have no idea either, don't ask)

"Couldn't put Humpty"

(On verge of tears)

"... together again"

(Does best Streetcar Named Desire 'STELLA!' scream to the sky)

End scene. Possibly end of acting career.

Still not the most frightening picture of Humpty I found on the internet.

By some miracle, the performance actually went over pretty well (unlike poor Humpty, am I right? Thank you! I'm here all week!). Which also goes with my theory that all the cafeteria food at the school was deep-fried in hallucinatory drugs masquerading as oil. Anyway. I made it through the audition only slightly humiliated and was rewarded with the part of Mustardseed the fairy for my troubles. But wait! There's more! Someone ended up dropping out of the play during rehearsals and for some misguided reason (*cough*ingesting cafeteria potato cakes*cough*) I took on their role of Francis Flute, too. This meant spending my time on stage as a bellows-mender who liked to wear sparkly make-up, and getting a pretty cool fake death scene during the play within the play (play-ception).

All's well that egg's well.